1. Automatic Flushing Toilets
Urinals aren't so bad but the stall version was designed by terrorist trying to overthrow the western world. Toilets in of themselves are gross, so most places are starting to put those nice paper seat cover dispensers in the stall. Automatic toilets mock those who wish to protect the purity of their posterior. I was in a Walmart not long ago when nature called in a big way (yeah I know, too much info). So I go into the wonderful Walmart bathroom and proceed to cover the seat with the paper protection. I get it just right and turned to sit and the toilet flushes sucking down the seat cover, as I am hovering over the seat preparing for a landing. Now I'm a patient man but this is not funny, I quickly grab another and get it just right turn and goosh! This happens four times. By now nature is not only calling it's texting, emailing and paging me all at the same time. I grab the seat cover throw it down, spin around, and plop down just a split second before it flushes....Success!
2. Automatic Faucets
So I answer nature's call and proceed to the sink. ...it's “automatic”... I say a quick prayer and stick my hand under the faucet... nothing... (I love how automatic these things are!) So like anyone who has encountered one of these monsters, I start waving my hands all around like I'm directing a symphony orchestra until the tiny stream of water comes out. Yay, success.
3. Automatic Soap Dispensers
Now that my hands are almost wet I reach for the soap ...it too is “automatic”... I start directing my orchestra, but this demon is too smart for that. Just as I get my hand in the right place it waits a second and then spits out a microscopic amount into the sink, not in my hand. Then it waits before serving anymore soap to the sink so that we greedy bathroom users won't waste it on things as trivial as washing our hands. When you finally out smart the sneaky soap squirter, you then have to find the sweet spot for the sparse stream again.
4. Automatic Hand Dryer
Now that my hands are nearly clean, I proceed to dry my hands. There are two kinds of hand dryers to choose from, the kind that blows your hands dry in a little less than an hour, and the paper kind that kills trees but takes just a fraction of the time to use. This should be easy right? Wrong! Since I have now spent nearly two hours trying to do what would take just a few minutes at home, I don't have the time or patience to deal with the blow dryer, so I try my luck with the paper towel kind. I walk up to it and it has this picture of a waving hand just over top a dark glossy spot with a red light in the middle of it. (I really think that red light is a camera that sends a direct feed to the Terrorist Funniest Home Videos network.) So you walk up this thing start flailing your arms around until a single sheet slowly descends. Of course this is never enough. So once again you have to wait for a while before it will work again (an effort so keep you from using it for what it was made for). After finally getting enough you walk out of the bathroom enraged about how that someone made something as simple as using the bathroom such a painful process. Continuous encounters with this system will either turn someone into a homicidal maniac or they will die of some kind of strange bathroom disease because they skipped the whole painful sanitation process entirely.
If you look below at the statistics that I've made up, you can see how since these things have been placed into bathrooms, violence has gone up while life expectancy has gone down. Unless these bathroom torture devices are not corrected America will continue to decline until it will be completely destroyed.
1 comment:
I like the humor.
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